I’ve been delighting in the recent explosion of gift guides. Reading one feels luxurious; you get to indulge in an activity specifically dedicated to generating pleasure. A feast for your mirror neurons. Anyway, I am not going to tell you what to spend money on. There are plenty of other gift guides — which are way better than any I could make — for that exact purpose. But I like the idea of making one as a practice, so I’m giving it a shot.
This is the gift guide for the unemployed friend. The desert island gift guide (i.e. you are trapped on a desert island and can only gift pebbles and fruit). These gifts are not likely to satisfy most of your friends if they have any accurate sense of their monetary value to you. But if you’ve sworn an oath not to spend money on anyone this year, these are for you.
Have a dream about them. Okay, I don’t know about you, but I love it when people tell me I’ve made an appearance in their dreams. It feels like primary evidence that I exist. That I am being processed into someone’s memory. Anyways, if you can lucid dream, put your friend into a good one. Text them about it out of the blue.
Leave them something in your will. This is a good gift for a friend you’ve noticed coveting something you’re not yet willing to part with. It’s a loving gesture that’ll make them think twice about what it means to inherit the item. They’ll be sure to feel a little guilty about your generosity, an effect that any good gift should have on the recipient.
Found objects. Okay, tread carefully here. I have some friends who would Hate to receive this kind of gift. Oh great…. a piece of trash from the Street :) Within reason, I find it pretty charming. Maybe you find them a seed pod. Maybe you find them a cicada shell. My favorite kind of found object is something small and confused by its surroundings. The other day I found a plastic Yayoi Kusama pumpkin in the gutter. At some point, it lived on a keychain. For the right recipient, it might make a good gift. Note: this doesn't work as well as a last-minute gift, it usually takes time to find an object that’s the right match.
Give them a truthful compliment. These are hard, but some people have a knack for them. It has to be something the person is ready to hear — and may already believe about themselves — but has never articulated. Tell them they have good taste in magazine subscriptions. Read the book they recommended. For a lover, let them know their midriff is astonishing. Better if not too corny. Keep it professional.
A playlist. I’m soo guilty of this one, it’s the ultimate “I have no money” gift, but if well executed, can really knock it out of the park. Bonus points if you can get a copy of it on a cassette or CD. The perfect gift from the romantic slacker to the person who finds them endearing.
A place they’ve mentioned. If you’re running out of ideas for cash-free ephemera, you can take a trip together to a place they love. This can be as simple as an outing to a flea market, or as complex as a scavenger hunt to their most beloved spots. Invite them to explore an abandoned water park. Take them to the backrooms. A great gift for the friend who advertises their love language as “quality time.”
Something invaluable. Give them something impossible to return. In this day and age, it’s especially hard to find anything that cannot be bought and sold. Still, it can be done for the right person. Maybe it’s something vaguely historic: a piece of an old train track, rusted farming equipment, a broken tool repurposed as a mantelpiece sculpture. If your dad is the foraging type, this could be the gift for him. You could also go another route and scour for objects that have been abruptly stripped of their value. If you’re down to dumpster dive, look behind a mall for slashed last-season designer bags or lacerated sneakers. Suture them up so they’re functional — and hopefully even attractive — but impossible to resell. Perform a Frankenstinian resurrection.
Gifts to stay away from: crafts, artwork you scrambled to make, hand-drawn coupon booklets, a hasty execution of any of the above. Know your friends; don’t get the person who craves luxury a rusty farm tool. This is the season for indulgence, after all.
Honestly, you should probably just give them a pair of socks.